*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
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I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The “baby” on the left….
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes