does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
This kid is a star!
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.