Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*exercises sarcastically*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
don’t we all
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”