Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Twitter fine art
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Something Saturday.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me