Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me