Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Safety first
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Raisins are grape jerky.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.