Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
scares
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.