[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
At least he brought enough for everyone
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]