Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
🖤✌🏽
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Terribly Tuesday.
Beware of the dog..
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.