Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle