My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I hate when that happens.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
We’ve come full circle
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body