[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.