My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Who says great literature is dead?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.