Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.