Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Finally, an instrument I can play!
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Cucumbers Anonymous
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance