love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry