I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.