Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained