*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.