What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You Might Also Like
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Many hands make light work
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble