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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]