him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/