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Me to every 2yr old.
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away