My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My favorite farside!!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.