Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river