1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
They’re the worst 😩
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Isn’t
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: