Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person