It’s a gift
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Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises