The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one