[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller