Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Monday Lisa
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest