Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 馃珷.
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you鈥檒l always come home.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You missed Mass online, which isn鈥檛 great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they鈥檙e socially conditioned to tweet worse
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don鈥檛 have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you鈥檝e somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I鈥檓 sorry but I don鈥檛 feel good. I鈥檝e been throwing up.
5: Can鈥檛 you just throw up outside?
[Wendy鈥檚 Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let鈥檚 role play. You鈥檙e working the drive through and I鈥檓 a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don鈥檛 worry, I eat like a bird.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My Sentiments Exactly
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.