Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.