Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
#catsoftwitter