Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
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Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary