The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.