[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.