Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application