My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?