Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
house sitting!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
i hate you platonically
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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