Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You Might Also Like
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
#Thanos #MondayMood