If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me when my alarm goes off
58.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
your honor my client chooses dare
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos