Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.