“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.