FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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My work here is done
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.