The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.