Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
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Cheer up.
we never drank water growing up i don鈥檛 even know how im alive right now
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Accidentally used my cat鈥檚 shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
[at fire-station]
“I鈥檓 putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
like idgaf i鈥檒l tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I鈥檓 controlling them with my mind, that鈥檚 normal right?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children鈥檚 ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I鈥檝e been smelling all day.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I鈥檓 gonna be up all night worrying
I know I鈥檓 short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
This is a fact based meme 馃槒馃槀