FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
honestly, i need both:
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.