I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
🥴
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother