7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I love it all
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
What?!?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born